shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
