ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
