Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
