Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Randomize
