You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
