yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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