maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The best revenge is premature balding
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
