I showed him my bush... on skype.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
