so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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