I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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