drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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