my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
