my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Blood and glitter go together right?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Randomize
