I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
