We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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