If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize