False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
