I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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