his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
