My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
God I need to hump something, right now.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
