I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i will never coherently bang her
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
