3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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