We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Found the puke drawer
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Randomize
