the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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