it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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