I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
