I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
