I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
