I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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