Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
