i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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