I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
