people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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