do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
If that was your dad, he is hot
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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