Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
