FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
