I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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