i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
