Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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