if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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