Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
