remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
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