I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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