You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I think people are normalizing furries
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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