i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize