He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
