I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
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the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
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I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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