My Higher Power is John Stamos
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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