Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
