Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
