Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
