Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
