you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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