So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
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we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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